Saturday, January 22, 2011
Last night, my brother in law came by and tattoo'd me. He's somewhat new to the tattoo world, only been tattooing for the past 2-3 years, but I was bored & it was free so why not? I got a quote that I've been wanting for years on my feet. Let me tell you, SO FUCKING PAINFUL. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but good Lord. By far, most painful tattoo yet. But oh so worth it. My feet are extremely swollen and sore too. Ouch! We still have some minor touch ups to do, but overall, not bad, not bad.
Today has been a utterly fantastic day. Woke up early with the girls and we all went to breakfast. Rylan was SO well behaved and I was so so proud of her. We headed to the park for a while and then home. Later in the afternoon, D came over, and shortly after Chante, her hubby and Izzy came over with pizza for lunch. They hung out all afternoon and we had a BLAST. The boys played COD and us girls gossiped and chit chatted while the kids played. After they left, the girls went in the backyard to play. I grabbed a book and a cup of coffee and sat out back, reading while they played. After a bit, Mayson came over and climbed onto my lap and curled up and fell asleep as I read. I looked up and just saw the girls all playing together, and Macy was curled up, snoring softly on my chest and I just was hit by this overwhelming feeling of....utter perfectness. Literally. It was like, for a minute, all of my worries and stresses and problems just washed away. My life is far from perfect, but in that moment, it felt as close to perfect as possible. I am truly so blessed and its so easy for me to become so wrapped up in everything going on around me that I simply miss the small moments. Afterward, Angelyna, Ciarra && Stormie went to a birthday dinner for Ciarras best friends birthday. Side note: Angelynas best friend is Jovanna. Ciarras best friend is Alandra, who is Jovannas sister. Stormies best friend is Jasmine, who is Jovanna and Alandras sister! How awesome is that?
I have been seriously contemplating big changes in my life. Taking actual time for myself to figure out what I really want, for myself, for the girls, and the best way/plan to achieve those things. I know that it won't be an easy road, but, what in my life has ever been easy? I have allowed myself to be held down by certain people and situations for so long that I feel like I'm so far behind from where I want or should be. I try not to let it eat away at me but it's also hard to want so many things, not so much for myself but the girls as well, and feel so far away from my goals and dreams. It's so.....different...having to do everything completely alone. I truly underestimated what it would be like, and despite the fact that I've spent the last year and a half finding my way and adjusting to this new life, I feel so full of fail somedays. Everyone is always like "Oh, you're such a strong woman" but I don't see or feel that way. It's just taking it a day at a time I guess. I have faith & trust in God that things will work out and with alot of patience && determination and trusting in myself and my strengths that I can achieve these things that I want so badly. So, pray for me ya'll :)
I reallllllllly need to start working out again. Ive been seriously slacking big time. Its so hard to find the motivation to actually do it. Everytime I even contemplate it, I find an excuse. No bueno. I am like, super unhappy with my self lately. I dont know what it is, maybe just a weird funk?
Ciarra has a new obsession with baking/cooking lately. A few nights ago, she baked cupcakes ALL on her own. I supervised, of course, but she mixed and measured all the ingredients, poured them in the baking pan and frosted them. She did a super fabulous job and she was SO proud of herself, it was such a heartwarming moment. Ci has been teased a bit about her weight lately unfortanetly. Its sad how mean kids are. I think she's absolutely perfect, but I suppose I'm a little biased. But, Ciarra has this amazing personality. She is so...indepdent. She knows who she is and she really loves herself and when we were talking about how she felt about what this little girl was saying about her she says "I dont let it bother me Mom. I'm beautiful and I know that so why do I care what some girl thinks?". I wanted to just squeeze her to death. I don't know how I have raised such beautiful, independent, strong daughters. I am truly so lucky and blessed.I know its cliche to say, but they truly are the reason I breathe, the reason I live. I want so much for them, so much better than what I had. I want to give them the world. They have given me SO much, have taught me so much about myself, about life and how beautiful this world I live in is, have given me so much appreciation for the smaller things in life. I hope someday they know how much I love them, and how much I want nothing but the absolute best for them.
I have started the paperwork on getting full custody of Stormie. It's all filled out and ready to be dropped off at the courthouse. I also included the paperwork to legally have her last name changed to mine. I am about 99.9% sure that he wont even bother responding to the paperwork, let alone showing up to any hearings. It'd be easiest if he would just sign over rights since that is obviously what he wants to do, but since I can't actually communicate directly with him, that makes it a little hard. Regardless, I am so anxious to get this done and over with. This whole situation is so sad and pathetic and it makes me sick. I feel so guilty and hurt for Stormie. No kids deserves the way she's been treated and I know no matter how hard I try, I can never be her father, you know? And I feel sad that she'll miss out on having a father figure in her life because I know firsthand how hard that is as a daughter to not have a dad around growing up and its just really heartbreaking for me to know Stormie will have to know how that feels too. Soo, anyways, I'm anxious to close this chapter of her & I's life and move on.
I have the most amazing friends. No, really. After a wonderful conversation with my friend tonight, it made me realize how lucky I am to have such awesome friends. True friends are so hard to come by these days and I'm a pretty lucky lady to have some of the best of the best.
♥our lips must always be sealed
Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I have already been praying for you, for years really, and I am so happy for how well things are going in your life. I will keep you, your girls, and guidance for the decisions you need to make in my prayers as well.
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