Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Growing up, I had a pretty fucked up childhood, to say the least. I was constantly surrounded by nothing but negativity, pain, greed, selfishness, all around awful things. I spent the good majority of my life rebelling against any kind of belief in God, in faith, despite the fact that my beautiful grandmother(who practically raised me, bless her soul) was a pretty religious woman. I remember countless times of arguing with her about going to church or getting angry and starting arguments because every time something bad happened, she would always say "things wont always be like this, just have some faith" or "God wouldn't give you more than you could handle Nica". Oh man, I would get so pissed off. If there was a God, then why is he putting me through this? Why did he give me such screwed up parents? Why does he allow all this fucked up shit to keep happening? Faith?! What a joke.
It took me a long time to finally find the true meaning of faith. And the amazing thing about faith is that there is no true definition of it. Faith is whatever you want or need it to be. Despite what some people may say, it doesn't have to be about church and prayer and religion. I finally realized that faith isn't about miracles. It isn't about someone or something "saving" me or preventing bad things from happening. Its about love. Its about compassion and kindness. Its about love. Its about strength and perseverance. Its about put all my hopes and beliefs in myself and the unimaginable. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
My life has changed drastically since this realization. Not necessarily in the sense that everything is butterflies and rainbows all the time, but more of that even when things feel like they've hit rock bottom, I am filled with hope and this feeling of calmness, because my grandma was right, what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger. And after having overcome so much, why in the world would I give up now. This realization has come with a true sense of peace and even, dare I say, serenity. It has changed my entire outlook on life and the negativity I used to drown myself in.
Anyways, I didn't mean to be preachy. Its just been on my mind. Especially since my wonderful friend Matt introduced me to The Mars Hill Church Sermons by Luke. They are...just amazing. They totally hit me in a soft spot and make me sit back and really contemplate things, and I LOVE that. So if you're interested(Sarah, you totally would love these!), check them out.
♥our lips must always be sealed
This is a great post. I will for sure take a listen to the sermons.
I wanted to let you know that I can deeply relate to what you originally said about trying to figure out where God fits into the middle of so much bad and wondering why he won't just stop it all. I actually wrote a post about it that I think you might appreciate http://laffairereelle.blogspot.com/2010/09/convenient-place-to-place-blame.html .
But what you have come to realize is very true and I'm glad that you've been able to find some peace in your life.
hi, i'm new here. this post left me confused. is your faith in Jesus or something else?
Definetly Jesus, but also in myself, my heart and mind.
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